So angry my heart hurts relationship

so angry my heart hurts relationship

The function of anxiety and anger is to viscerally warn of a danger so that we take Misinterpreting Our Partner When We're Anxious/Angry/Hurt and we can't see into her/his heart, we doubt that positive responses are earnest. If we're feeling insecure in our relationship, our threat alarm system turns up and we. If you have an upset spouse, do not make the situation worse. When you are feeling peaceful again, you can work together to build a stronger relationship. your spouse needs some space, say so before leaving the room. Our heart feels like it is going to burst out of our chest wall. The reason we automatically feel hurt is this: We believe the other's voice to . Removed myself from narristtic would call me telling me its all my so hurt. .. So when someone is angry with us, instead of saying “you acted.

While it seems natural, it is actually quite unnatural.

What’s the Main Reason You Feel Hurt by Someone? The Answer May Surprise You! - Dr. Shefali

I am sure you are confused by now. We have been raised to value the opinions of others — dependent on how they view us. This is a natural outgrowth of growing up in a family, surrounded by adults and authority figures.

so angry my heart hurts relationship

Most of us grow up with little attention paid to our own inner relationship. While we are taught to place value on the opinion of others, we are taught to ignore the power of self-appraisal, self-authority and self-awareness. The reality is this: Most of us were raised to honor what others thought of us over our own opinion of ourselves. We were simply conditioned to fall into line with the status quo and go with the crowds.

Our sense of self depends on the image others have of us. Therefore, when someone we hold in esteem judges or rejects us, it hurts us so. We automatically enter into a pattern of reacting with equal hurt and pain. Either we wallow in it, or we dump it back onto them or some other unsuspecting victim. And therefore this opinion is always layered with bias. It can never be true. The Reason We Get Hurt: The reason we automatically feel hurt is this: Their idea of us and way of treating us supersedes our own beliefs about ourself.

When this happens, our hearts lay wide open to receive the unconsciousness of others. It is because we believe in what the other is saying — as if it were the truth — that we feel the pain that goes with it.

What if we simply stopped believing? What if we realized that all of this is a lie? What if we simply realized that while everyone has their right to their opinion about us, this has nothing to do with us, per se, and only to do with them — their history, their feelings, their heart and their level of consciousness? What if we choose another way? Instead of automatically feeling hurt, we felt …nothing? What if we gave ourselves the permission to simply not react?

so angry my heart hurts relationship

What would our life look like? Would it look too detached for comfort? A client recently said to me: I thought I had to react when someone said something hurtful. I had to prove them wrong.

so angry my heart hurts relationship

I was so desperate that they think good things about me! People in pain generally think about their pain. However, angry people think about harming those who have caused pain.

Psychology of Anger

Part of the transmutation of pain into anger involves an attention shift - from self-focus to other-focus. Anger thus temporarily protects people from having to recognize and deal with their painful real feelings; you get to worry about getting back at the people you're angry with instead. Making yourself angry can help you to hide the reality that you find a situation frightening or that you feel vulnerable.

so angry my heart hurts relationship

In addition to providing a good smoke screen for feelings of vulnerability, becoming angry also creates a feeling of righteousness, power and moral superiority that is not present when someone is merely in pain. When you are angry, you are angry with cause. It is very rare that someone will get angry with someone they do not think has harmed them in some significant fashion.

What’s the Main Reason You Feel Hurt by Someone? The Answer May Surprise You!

Defining Anger The definition of whether someone's anger is a problem often turns on whether or not other people agree with them that their anger, and the actions they take in the name of their anger, is justified.

More on Anger and Anger Management Angry people most always feel that their anger is justified. However, other people don't always agree. The social judgment of anger creates real consequences for the angry person.

An angry person may feel justified in committing an angry, aggressive action, but if a judge or jury of peers do not see it that way, that angry person may still go to jail. If a boss doesn't agree that anger expressed towards a customer is justified, a job may still be lost. If a spouse doesn't agree that anger was justified, a marriage may have problems. Social, Emotional, and Health Whether justified or unjustified, the seductive feeling of righteousness associated with anger offers a powerful temporary boost to self-esteem.

It is more satisfying to feel angry than to acknowledge the painful feelings associated with vulnerability. You can use anger to convert feelings of vulnerability and helplessness into feelings of control and power.